Total Loss

To all who don't know...We had a house fire. It was apparently started by a portable DVD player which was being charged. Kimberly lost most everything she owned. We lost alot, due to smoke damage, throughout the house... Everyone keeps saying how well I'm taking it. The fire happened May 2nd. I was at church, which I think really helped with the "calm" part. Now, 2 months later, my house still stands neglected. It is so pathetic. Every time I go to see it I get more depressed. I just spent the last 2 days in bed 'cause I just felt it was too much to get up and face it all. All because of the "total loss" figuring. When I hired the contractor he said they would "handle my things as though they were theirs"...and I guess they did. Everything is filthy from being thrown around the floor, and then swept into piles with the soot, insulation, and dirt. It may not look like much, but these things took over 24 years to accumulate, sort, and cherish for later. It was crowded, but organized. Now it's not. Now it's trash. It makes me sick. This was our home...Everyone keeps saying how its going to be so beautiful! And..."if only more of your house had burned you could really make some changes"! I thank God no more burned. As it is, much of our things are going to be total lossed. I don't know how I'll ever get everything back to normal. I have to save receipts for all the things I bought to replace things but I can't just give it to the insurance...I have to make 2 copies and give them to the adjuster who will send one to the insurance. I had to buy a copy machine, because ours was...you guessed it "totaled". I now have about fifty receipts of expenses to tally. I work fulltime. Who has that kind of time? I guess I could have dragged my depressed butt out of bed sometime in the last 2 days and tackled it, but I just couldn't talk myself into it!I had to request that all correspondence be mailed to me, since our computers were "total lossed". We are currently in a rental down the street. The person I hired to pay the rent bounced the check!...We pick up the mail daily from our home. Our lawn is dead now. The house still wreaks of smoke. They let the water leak onto the kitchen floor when they removed my appliances for storage...should have channeled that to the lawn. Someone, not us, left the back door and window wide open when they left. In all the dealing with the fire, I've met a couple single guys my age...who do nothing but talk about their past 2 marriages, their children, their dirt bikes, their medical conditions etc. I had no idea men talked this much! I'm told they're interested...But if I have to walk around my filthy ruined home one more time with them so they can "get to know me better"...Who makes an appointment with someone to do that?I can't get a word in edgewise. They don't ask about me at all. How narcisstic is that? Has dating changed that much?!I'm told I've hired a AAA rated company by the BBB, but so far I am not impressed. I actually thought it would be a learning experience, a chance to simplify, an opportunity to get to know more people, to build my faith in God and my fellowman. "What dosen't kill you makes you stronger";I say it again;" why would anyone need to be that strong?!" I find myself seeing the funny side of alot of it...but no one else gets it!...laughing by myself, and no one else gets it. May be crazy... Kim

Hurrah for Good Health

Dear all,
Well, if any still wander here...I am so sorry about the lapse of blogging. I was completely blown away a few months back when my son, Brandon, was diagnosed with possible seizure disorder. We were so blessed to have survived childhood leukemia, and thought we were in the clear twenty two years later. Well, 5 doctors and months of waiting for authorization and appointments later, we finally have a diagnosis. He is suffering from panic attacks or panic disorder. They are a result of having a family predisposition for mental illness (ie. manic depression, or bipolar disorder etc.) followed by the radiation to the cranium he received as a child for treatment of leukemia. It manifested now, at age 27, because of the incredible stress he has been under due to caring for a wife with CP, going to school, working, etc. The solution was to put him on a sedative and an antidepressant and wean off the sedative gradually. Children's Hospital of LA has been most helpful and compassionate. His neurologist was a bit of a jerk actually causing Brandon to have attacks when he had to visit him due to his attitude of treating Brandon like he was an idiot. Brandon has not had any more episodes since going on the antidepressant. Hurrah! It is great to have my son back, laughing and happy again. I found out online back in November that these were the meds he needed. He finally is getting treated properly this month!
We were all stressed out by this experience, mostly because of the delay in getting him treatment. When someone you love is having daily attacks or seizures it is highly upsetting. The doctors did not seem to understand how life altering this was. He can't drive and therefore cant work (he's a float driver for Disney). Someone had to take him to his appointments etc. He felt terrible whenever he had an attack, manifesting all kinds of symptoms including, paleness, sweating, nausea, dizzyness, weakness etc. I had difficulty concentrating on my job, his wife was beside herself with worry; and found new strengths caring for someone else with a health problem which was a new experience for her, and for Kimberly it was like the nightmare of her childhood coming back with all the appointments and time spent worrying when another attack would happen. We got through this experience, but still feel much could have been done to streamline the process. Why did it take 6 months to see the right doctor and get on the right meds when it says online how to treat this disorder? As a health care professional, I was very disapointed in the process. It caused undue stress, lowered self esteem, self doubt, and more distress than was necessary, for Brandon and our whole family.
Needless to say, our holidays were affected, as well as our financial well being, and our personal relationships suffered as well. We really tried hard to be supportive of one another, but we all lost it at one time or another. I hold the medical doctors responsible, as well as the insurance company. It should not take months to get in to see a psychiatrist when you are having daily seizures and/or panic attacks! Did they think it was funny to put this young couple through this ordeal? Children's Hospital at least took the time to advise us as to what should be done. The rest all need to go back to school to learn communication skills, and compassionate service!
We all had a lovely, but frugal, Valentine's Day, yesterday, since I have to work today. I made speghetti, and we had a "Lady and the Tramp" theme. We played the sound track from the movie and had candlelight. All their money is going to medical bills now, and mine is supporting them. Six months of income has been lost while accumulating medical bills, which takes all the disability pay. Christine is now back at work, these last 2 weeks, after recovering from her head injury received while at work, 7 months ago. It was great to celebrate the love we have for one another, and remember how this too shall pass. I hope that all will be well soon and get back to "normal".
Kimberly is still trying to find a job for the degree she went to school for. She is very patient and perservering under the circumstances. The economy can not improve fast enough for me. When I think of all the money spent getting her an education, and now there are no jobs, it just sickens me. Things seem to be looking up, and I am so grateful we are all doing okay now. Without our faith, we would not have made it. Love Kim

H1N1

Dear all,
Well now, Kimberly recovered nicely from her virus; only to go back to her internship and work with a sick intern, and now has come down with H1N1! We were to urgent care on Sunday; and so I couldn't work on Monday, until I had been cleared by HR and Employee Health. Kimberly is in bed; as she is soooo tired! I made Mom's hot cider for her yesterday, and some homemade chicken soup which should have her well in no time. The doctor at urgent care acted as if it was much ado about nothing. I seem to have immunity, and Brandon and Christine are still "well". Brandon has been followed by his dr. who says that the periods of confusion he is having daily might be a brain tumor. I asked about his low B12, since the lab said it might cause neuropsychiatric episodes. He seemed surprised and read the note. We will be getting a new dr. for Brandon after he sees the neurologist on the 29th. He seems better since starting to take a mega B complex now for 5 days. We are also going to go the CHLA Life Clinic and ask for a dr that knows about cancer survivor health. Please keep us in your prayers. I don't feel too worried and my mother's intuition isn't alarming at this point. Christine and Brandon have been through so much in the last 3 years, and they are stronger than ever. It is a blessing to witness. Love all, Kim

The Flu

Hi all!
Well, here it is...We have been hearing about H1N1 for months, and since I am a health care professional I get to really be hearing about it, so when my daughter exhibits symptoms of the flu; body aches, temp of 100+, headache, running nose (the worst ever), sore throat, ear ache, and finally cough, I tell her to get herself to the Doctor and let him know I work in NICU so I need to be sure it isn't H1N1. She goes and comes home on antibiotics and a nasal decongestant. No, he doesn't think she has IT! Why? Because she should have more body aches! He says its probably some other virus. This is my big girl who never complains, but did, and so I gave her my arthritis Tylenol (1350mg) to help with the fever and pain, as well as 2 Benydryl to help with the copious nasal discharge, and to facilitate sleep the night before. She was pale as a corpse with huge dark circles under her eyes; and you all know she's normally a beautiful brown sugar color, with sparklely eyes. This doctor did not check her by swabbing her nose or throat, so I don't know if I've been exposed! How are we supposed to keep the public protected if doctors don't do their job? Now, my son is complaining of ear ache and feeling confused, and so went to urgent care last night where they prescribed...you guessed it antibiotics and a decongestant! No one swabbed him either, so we still don't know. We are all in the high risk group in our family, since Kimberly is 24, and Brandon, Christine and I have underlying health problems of asthma, CP, and Lupus. In case you don't know, antibiotics don't work on viruses. I'm still having them take them just in case it really is bacterial, but I'm skeptical. With this kind of healthcare we should all be sick in no time! Just a heads up...In our family we have a nail biter, face touchers, nose itchers, etc and so all the hand washing in the world is not going to be insurance enough. They carry hand sanitizer in their backpacks, purses, cars, and so on, but as you see they are still all sick. I wash my hands every few minutes (since I'm in healthcare, its a habit). I'm feeling that familiar tickle in my throat, and can't tell for sure, but I don't think the warmth I feel is a hot flash. I took a sudafed a little while ago for my post nasal drip, and I feel a little "off". Sure wish I knew if this was the H1N1...since I'm now at work for the day! Stay well if you can, Love Kim

God's love

Dear ones,
I went to a memorial for a 19 month old baby on Saturday. The little boy was the 3rd child of my children's childhood friend, Sarah. We have known Sarah since she was 3. Many memories were shared of long days spent under the 2 trees in my front yard. Days of popcorn and koolaid, games, and plays, and playing "store", "school" and "hospital". My front porch saw alot of business from the neighborhood because our huge trees kept things cool. We knew we had to attend this memorial.
Sarah, and her brother, Mark, were so happy to see our family; and we were so glad to bring some comfort of happier times to them. Their grandparents, our next door neighbors, had been "foster grandparents" to my own two children, until they passed on. When the new neighbors moved in they began digging up all of my friend Ann's beloved roses. I ran out there, and explained in my broken spanish that these were my deceased friends roses. They put sticks in pots for me, and unfortunately, with my brown thumb of death, only one survived. I waited with anticipation to see which of the roses made it. It was a melon orangey color; not my favorite, but still....Ann's legacy. I had just trimmed the bush back a couple of weeks before learning of the memorial for Ann's great grandchild. I thought to take some roses to the memorial. When I checked the bush there were only 3 closed buds on a branch. The memorial was saturday, and I knew they wouldn't open in time, when the night before they were still closed. I said a little prayer and told my grown children I would take the buds and mix them with babies breath the next morning and maybe it would be enough. We almost forgot to check. Brandon remembered, and we went out and here was one of the buds perfectly open just in time! I added babies breath, to the one open blossom and 2 buds; and tied it with white ribbon, and placed it in a pill bottle with water, since the memorial was down in SanClemente. It smelled lovely and looked beautiful, but I felt a little silly at my small offering. I felt I was supposed to take it anyway.
The memorial was beautiful. The pastor spoke at length about God, and then said that God is not in control of this fallen world; if He was, He would be considered a child abuser. I looked at the small melon rose and suddenly I knew that God was indeed in control; even of something so small as forcing a rose to bloom overnite, to be a small comfort for a greiving family. When I gave the rose to Sarah, and told her it was from her grandmothers bush, she was touched and wept with gratitude and said "I have to show my mother, because we have felt my grandmother's presence in these last days so strongly." When she showed her mother, they wept together over the little rose and both exclaimed that it was their favorite color of Ann's roses. I am amazed at God's love. The rose survived to comfort them at this time. I never would have known that years ago when I tried to preserve Ann's roses, and was disapointed that my least favorite color was the only one to survive, that it wasn't meant for me, but for Sarah and her extended family at this difficult time. God knows and loves each and every one of us, and will comfort us in His way. We may not understand why a little boy dies mysteriously, but we can know of His love for us, and take comfort that everything happens for a reason. Our God is in control, and is a loving Father of us all.

An Unlikely Family

To all who venture here,
All my life I can remember wanting a real, normal, family. I read books like "Little Women", "Little Men" and even "Grapes of Wrath" showed family working together to survive. I can remember living with my paternal grandmother and loving it. All the cousins around and aunties and uncles. My parents were divorced; both were judged to be lacking in the parenting department, and so Grandma took care of us. I felt really loved, even though I missed my mother emensely. My Father was like a big kid, tickling us all the time til we cried, and piling us up in a 3 kid sandwich and laying on us. He was 6'6" so this wasn't fun, especially since I was usually on the bottom! Then Father married a woman 15 years my senior. I was 5 or so. She turned out to have even less parenting skills and was a very scary, abusive, psycho. The fact that Father did not protect us says alot. It was a long nightmare, interrupted by 18 months in foster care for me when I was 6. The care I received in foster care was calm and capable. I wanted to stay there forever, but was sent back to the nightmare at age 8. I left one month after I turned 18; tired of the molestation by my Father and being beat up by my stepmother. I went back for my sister, and then my brother, as soon as I was able.
The point is that I survived miraculously, fairly OK. My sister and my brother did not get to see "normal", and so they have had to try and figure it out themselves. I love them both very much. I understand them, when others may not. My brother always hugs me a little too tight, and has a heart that is so big. My sister swings back and forth between her truth, and what really happened; she lived with lies all her life, and that became normal. I see the struggle in her. Then I have my other sister who grew up with my mother who was clinicly depressed over the loss of her other 3 children. I also have a foster sister who my Mom and "Dad" loved by choice. They are all my siblings forever, scars and all. Whether we can survive, the loss of our chosen parents "Mom and Dad" remains to be seen. We are fragile at best at staying a "family" and that is sad, because after all "all I've ever wanted is a normal family". My children remind me often that I have broken the cycle of abuse, and that we are a pretty normal family. We are small, but I hope significant in the path my posterity shall take. Some things take a lifetime to accomplish, and somethings will have to wait for the next act. I guess I shall have to leave it to Him... Love's Eternal, Kim

Family Update

Dear all,
Well, it was over 105 today, but not humid, thank goodness. The kids went to Disneyland today; with Nina and her boyfriend from North Dakota. He fits right in, and everyone seems to be getting along nicely. They met online about 3 years ago. Christine stayed home, as she was injured at work a while back, and is recovering from post concussion syndrome. She gets vertigo and dizzy so the rides did not sound fun. She is spending the day with her parents. I went to the bank, post office, and grocery store, and did 2 loads of towels after the sun went down. I finished a good book "Can't Wait to Get to Heaven" and I can recommend it. Did the dishes, watered the lawn etc. A productive day....
Christine is on workman comp, and Brandon is on break from parades, which won't start up again until sometime in Oct. He is back in school and is really enjoying 2 classes. Christine had to drop her class due to the head injury. Kimberly is also taking a class, working, and has a new internship working for "Silly Sally's" children's entertainment. She is a busy girl! I plan to go back to school next spring if my health holds up, and my parents estate gets settled. I also plan to get my own affairs in order in case something happens to me. Ever since their grandparents died, my kids have been worried about me leaving them with out some instructions in place. How did the last 21 years go by so fast?
Well, I guess I just don't have much to say here. Hope all of you are well and happy. We could use some prayers for Christine to get well, Brandon to have enough time to finish school, Kimberly to get a job in her field of study, and for me to have the title of "Grandma" bestowed upon me this next year. No pressure though, just wishing...love eternal, Kim